Divorce

I know the topic is divorce, but in class we discussed things in class that were more important to me.

Respect
Cooperation
Responsibility = Ability to Respond

You need to be more responsible? Actually means you need to do more of what I say.

Courage = standing up against fear when we help encourage someone we strengthen our own heart.

In a family and in a relationship you are going to need to stand up for your values and family.

Parenting

This is my topic.  I have been studying this topic for a long time.  I have learned that I can study it as much as I want, but the true test of parenting will be when I have children.

I hope and plan to be an authoritative parent. Trust in the Lord, and work with my spouse to teach our children the doctrine and principles of the Lord that they may learn to trust in Him and govern themselves.

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well.  They are so precious.  Let them know.  Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

To me this means that I need to rely on the Lord in all things, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Fatherhood

Fathers have a crucial role in the family to provide, preside, and protect. I've learned that I see things in my own home that I miss and want to change. I can't change the past, but I can create the future.

In my own future family I envision taking an active role to support my spouse the be a positive and involved in the lives of my children.  Here are the ideas I’ve come up with:

Family Counsel - I plan to have weekly family counsel that is a positive atmosphere.  Each family member will be able to express their needs to Mom and Dad.  Each family member will also be able to share their expectations of each family member. 

Husband&Wife - I think in order to be good parents, you have to be a good couple. You need to take time away from the kids and to be husband-and-wife.  When you feel complete and happy in your relationship you provide stability for your family. With this stability you will be more willing to take an active role in your kids life.  

Time - Dad, take the time to be intentional with your kids. It’s not about quantity time, it’s about quality time.  Know your kids and their interests.  You can be a good parent, by knowing what your kids like to do and they will love you more for wanting to get to know them better.  

Physical Affection - I find that there is no such thing as too much physical affection, there is such thing as material affection.  Fathers, tell your kids you love them, show you love them. Shower them with hugs and kisses and they will love you for it. 

These are areas in my home that I want to succeed in. 

Communication

I have learned that communication is essential to having successful relationships, and especially in a marriage.  A marriage is between you, your spouse and the Lord. Within this marriage both spouses have to be open and direct, in order to be in congruence with the Lord's will.  In a relationship there are going to be hard things you have to tak about. You HAVE to counsel with your spouse everyday!
I counseled with my friend who has been married for four months. She said, "If you don't have good communication you are going to build up walls. The other person cannot read your mind. It's one of those things where you have to straight up share your feelings in a non-critical defensive way. Let your spouse love you, and let them understand your feelings."  From this lesson I learned that you need to learn to communicate, you will learn to grow closer.

Crisis

Today we discussed coping mechanisms. I find this very beneficial because we need to find strategies for crisis that come into our lives.  Trials will always be there for us, it is when we take perspective and learn how to cope with trouble that we find JOY.  We discussed these types of coping mechanisms that are habits and have a negative connotation:

Denial: declaring something to be untrue
Avoidance: keep away from problem
Scapegoating: blaming others for wrongdoing, mistakes, or faults of others

I find that I am an avoider. Within my relationships and within my family I find that there are uncomfortable things to talk about and instead of talking or addressing my concerns and thoughts, I avoid the situation. I'm going to have to address crisis. I am a thinker. I think, think, think.  I find solutions in my head.  Do I act upon it? No.

Can we plan to cope ahead? Yes, that is ideal. This is relevant to me and my family now. My parents and I are expecting a crisis this Thanksgiving break, we plan to tell the "little girls" about our family system. It breaks my heart because everyone is going to be hurting. I've been praying that we will have strength. I pray that the girls will be strong.  I pray that Mom and Dad will be faithful.  I am preparing for this family crisis.  Am I going to be an avoider? No.  Am I in denial? No. I am sad. Do I blame God? No.  I have been prepared and rely on the strength of the Lord, he has prepared me to cope.

Intimacy

Week seven:

I never thought of intimacy as being emotional.  I find that I have relationships with people, but have not realized the emotional attachment that I have to them. For me an emotional attachment does not have a negative connotation. To me it means trust, personal, intimate, friendship, and love.  It can become negative if it is used incorrectly with members of the opposite sex, within a marriage.

An emotional attachment is created when we share something deep with someone we create an emotional intimacy with them.  Sometimes people create a misattribution.  I feel something but, I attribute it to the wrong thing.  I thought this attachment theory was fascinating! It is true and it helped me realized my relationship with others and how to strengthen them or create better boundaries.

Who's responsible?

For week six we talked about Transitions in Marriage.  This is important to talk about and understand because two people come from habitual single lives, and then step straight into marriage and have new expectations of themselves and expectations of their new spouse. This is when I find communication to be extremely important.  

Within a new marriage there will be conflicts.  Is it easy to say fight fair? Or, is it about communication and honesty? I believe that there is no such thing as compromising.  I think that conflict is a time when both adults need to step back, breath, talk, and pray.  In a marriage you will have to give up and sacrifice certain pleasures for your spouse.  The 50/50 theory doesn't work in a marriage.  If it did, life would be unproductive.  Isn't it wonderful that in a marriage we have two experts in a certain area, we teach, and work together.  

It is time to establish your own marital system, away from your family of origin.  Start marriage off in an active way rather than in a reactive way. 

Oops! I made a mistake.

I made a minor mistake. I have attended classes, enjoyed class, and have taken great notes, I just forgot to blog about them.  For week five:

In class we talked about Love.  There are four different types of love: Eros, Agape, Storge, and Philia.

Eros: romance, passion, and sexual arousal
Agape: is "Christian love", where one is able to act on behalf of one's feelings.
Storge: is a parent-child love
Philia: is brotherly love, or friendship love

What is more important in a relationship? I believe that all of these types of love are essential in a relationship. Maybe some more than others depending on the person.  For me in a a relationship, I would want me and my spouse to be friends able to laugh and communicate(philia), to serve one-another give up our needs for each other (agape), and to have romance (eros). I feel that all of these types of love combined you create a quality relationship.

As a young single adult I am preparing for marriage, for commitment, for a wholesome relationship. I need to look for a man that I have a physical attraction to, similar hobbies, same religious beliefs, and values.  Brother Williams said, "If he doesn't have enough leadership to go on a date, he doesn't have enough leadership in the home." Wow.

The Importance of Gender

Is gender important? Why is it that men perform certain roles, and women their specific roles? Should we be equal? What do you think?

In my opinion I see the beauty in the difference between males and females. You cannot be a genderless person, femininity and masculinity are wonderful and wholesome.  I believe that men and women have a "divine nature and eternal destiny".  Men compliment women, and women compliment men.  We are not opposite, we are complimentary.  For example, you can't have one without the other. It's like day and night or your right hand and left hand. You need both to function properly.

I see men as aggressive, provider, task-oriented, active, more verbal, presider over family, spatial, one focus, able to switch gears easily.

I see women as nurturing, relationship oriented, responsive, aware, able to do multiple things at once, detailed, and loving.

In a broken world full of confusion I think it is important to be willing to accept gender differences.  Men and women compliment each other, we are not trying to erase the strengths of each gender, we are trying to build upon them.

C u l t u r e & D i v e r s i t y

Have you ever thought, what is diversity? What defines me?

I see that diversity as a variety of characteristics such as:
-faith             -values
-gender         -beliefs
-ethnicity      -age
-geography  - experience
-language     -culture
-coloration

Are we good at understanding our differences or our similarities?

I don't have answers to these questions, but I do know that there can be unity within diversity. Becoming one does not mean becoming the same. Remember, that you are a child of God.  

Not one person will think alike.  We are ignorant if we don't take the time to learn or understand other people and their culture.  Don't fall into culture poverty.

Perfection?

There is one thing I've learned about families and that is: no family is perfect and no parent is perfect, but there are good families and there are good parents.  A family system is complex and dynamic.  It takes a lot of time and patience to incorporate good family values, faith, trust, obedience, patterns, and a system into a functioning family. What gives me strength is to know that the Lord provides an outline of a perfect family.  He knows that we are not perfect, but He does expect us to work at it.  We can not have a perfect family if we do not know the foundation of a proper functioning family, and that is found here.

Well, hello there...

I have always wanted to start a blog, but I have been too scared.  This is now my chance to begin a personal blog for me and those who are interested in my thoughts and perspective of family relations.  The inspiration for this blog name ( Joyful Family) comes from a quote I read from Sister Tanner, Young Women General President.  She teaches, "I think being married, having families, being faithful, and sacrificing for the gospel is all joyful.  It brings true joy in our lives." This struck me hard. What does Joyful mean?  Joyful: is a feeling, expressing, or causing great pleasure and happiness.   I believe that the trials and hardships of family life are too much expressed.  Yes, hardships are greatly abound, but family should be and is a joyful experience.  I believe that through study and inspiration families can try a little harder to be a little better, to give more and make their personal relationships with family members JOYFUL.  


Al